c/awkward-moment-tales

Back when I'd re-record mixtapes with a pause button and a prayer

In high school I used to sit by the radio for hours with a blank cassette, hitting record and pause to catch songs without the DJ talking over them. Now I just throw together a Spotify playlist in like 5 minutes and it sounds perfect every time. Anyone else miss the thrill of actually nailing a perfect recording after like 10 tries?

Left my phone on the grocery conveyor belt for 10 minutes thinking it was my wallet

I was at Kroger yesterday and I kept tapping my pocket waiting for the checkout lady to tell me my total. She just stared until I realized I was holding up the line holding my phone out like it was cash. Has anyone else just completely blanked on how payment works in public?

My boss told me to stop saying 'um' and it changed how I talk in meetings

After a performance review 2 months ago where my manager counted 12 'ums' in a 5 minute update, I started pausing for a full second instead of using filler words. Has anyone else had a random piece of criticism that actually stuck?

Tripped over a stool at a house showing and pretended it was on purpose

I was showing a cute 2-bedroom to a young couple last Saturday and totally ate it over this tiny footstool in the kitchen. Caught myself on the counter but the stool went flying. I just pointed at it and said "good thing it's sturdy" like I meant to kick it. They signed the lease anyway so I guess it worked out. Has anyone else just powered through a fall like nothing happened?

Took me 3 whole days to figure out why my microwave smelled like burning plastic

Kept reheating leftovers and getting this weird burnt smell. Checked the vent, cleaned the inside twice, even unplugged it overnight. Finally on day 3 I realized I left a plastic fork on the turntable that melted into a tiny puddle. Felt like a total idiot. Has anyone else missed something super obvious like that?

That time I praised a coworker's haircut and it was a wig

Last Tuesday at the office in Austin, I walked up to Julie and said her new bob looked really sharp. She got real quiet and said 'thanks, it's for chemo.' How do you recover from that without making it worse?

Just read that 80% of people feel awkward returning things to the store and I am definitely one of them

I saw this stat on some random blog while I was trying to figure out how to return a blender I bought two weeks ago. It said most people stress about it so much they just keep the item or throw it away. I spent 10 minutes in the parking lot today psyching myself up to walk back in with that box. Anybody else just leave stuff in their trunk for weeks because of this?

Spilled coffee on myself in front of my whole office yesterday

I was walking back to my desk with a fresh cup. Big presentation that morning. Everyone was quiet in the bullpen area. Somehow my shoe caught on a loose floor tile. I went down hard. Coffee went everywhere. Splashed all over my white shirt and pants. Landed right there in front of like 15 people. Got a standing ovation from the sales team. My boss cracked a joke about 'hot leads.' I just sat there for a second. Wanted to melt into the floor. Had to borrow an extra shirt from the facilities guy. Took me all day to shake that embarrassment. Anyone else have a work moment that still haunts you?

Why does nobody talk about using a hand mirror for back-of-head haircuts?

I spent like 6 months giving myself awful fade lines because I was just using the two-mirror setup and twisting my neck. Then my friend Dave, who cuts hair professionally, told me to grab a cheap little 6-inch hand mirror from Walmart for like 4 bucks and use it to see the reflection in the big mirror. It took me maybe 3 tries before I could see the back of my head clearly and actually fix the blend. Has anyone else found a weird tool that made a huge difference?

I found out the "lick the spoon" trick for cookie dough actually stops you from eating half the batch.

I used to sneak bites every time I made cookies and end up with a dozen instead of three dozen. Then I tried licking the spoon and spatula right when I'm done mixing and it weirdly killed the urge to keep snacking. Has this happened to anyone else or is my brain just broken?

My aunt's advice about public speaking backfired at my cousin's wedding

My aunt told me to just 'imagine everyone in their underwear' before my toast at my cousin's wedding in Toledo. So I stood up there, looked at 80 guests including my 90 year old grandma, and immediately choked on my water because I pictured her in her underwear. I had to sit down for 2 minutes before I could even start talking.

Appreciation post: That time I had to pick the restaurant that just opened over my go-to diner downtown

Decided to try the new pho place on 5th instead of my usual banh mi spot last Tuesday, ended up sitting next to a loud date that asked my opinion on their dipping sauce, and now I can't even look at that diner's menu the same way.

Shoutout to the time I picked the ugly couch over the nice one

So I was at this furniture outlet in Tacoma last month, trying to decide between a dark gray microfiber couch and this hideous plaid one that was half the price at $300. I almost walked out with the gray one because it looked more put-together, but then the salesman mentioned the plaid one was from a hotel liquidation sale and had only been used for 3 months. I figured why not take a gamble, worst case I'd just throw a cover over it. Turns out the plaid fabric is way more stain resistant than I expected, and my dog's muddy paws just wipe right off. Have any of you ever picked the uglier option and had it work out way better?

A patient's mom changed how I think about awkward silences

My brother called me out for always talking over people at dinner last Sunday.

He said 'you never let anyone finish a sentence' and I sat there replaying every conversation I've had in the last 6 months. Has anyone else had a relative drop a truth bomb that made you cringe at your own behavior?

The time I tried to fix a sticky drawer and it took 6 weeks

Everyone says just sand the edges a bit and it's done. Nope, I ended up having to plane the whole side down, re-stain it, and then the drawer front didn't match anymore. Anyone else ever have a simple DIY turn into a months-long project?

That one Wednesday where everything that could go wrong actually did

It was a couple months ago, a rainy Wednesday in March. I got to work and spilled hot coffee all over my white blouse right before a big meeting. Then I realized I had left my laptop charger at home and my battery was at 15 percent. At lunchtime I tried to eat a salad at my desk and ended up dropping a forkful of dressing right on my keyboard. My boss walked by and saw the whole mess. Later that day I stepped in a giant puddle walking to my car and my shoes were soaked for the drive home. It was one of those days where you just have to laugh because crying won't help. Has anyone else had a day where everything just snowballed like that?

That time in Chicago I tried to pay with exact change and held up the whole bus line

So I was on the CTA bus last winter and wanted to prove a point that cash is still fine for transit. Big mistake. I had all these quarters and dimes ready but the fare box kept spitting them back. Driver was staring at me. People behind me were sighing loud. After like 5 minutes of dropping coins one at a time I just gave up and used my card. Now I never bother with cash on public transit. Anyone else stubbornly try to make the old way work and just embarrass yourself?

Found out my barista's name is actually the same as my ex and I've been ordering from him for 6 months without noticing

The other day my coworker pointed out his name tag and I realized I've been saying 'thanks Dave' to my ex's doppelganger every morning at the coffee shop on 5th Street and now I can't go back without feeling super weird about it, has anyone else accidentally connected a total stranger to someone they used to date?

My grandmother asked me why I 'type with my thumbs' and it hit me how fast tech has changed

She said 'you kids never talk anymore' and I realized I haven't had a real phone conversation in maybe 3 years, just texts and DMs, which got me thinking about all the awkward silences I used to have on actual calls back in high school.

That time I picked the wrong checkout line at Target and the cashier recognized my old library card photo

I had to decide between the self checkout with no line or the regular lane with one person. Picked the regular lane because I needed to buy milk with a torn $5 bill. Turns out the cashier was this girl I went to middle school with. She squinted at my name on the card and goes "Wendy Kelly? You're the one who photobombed every school picture with bunny ears right?" And I just stood there holding a gallon of milk and a bag of frozen peas while she laughed. My face went so red I think the milk curdled. Has anyone else had a random person from like 15 years ago pop up at the worst possible moment?

The day I waved back at someone who wasn't waving at me, then tripped over a curb right after

Last Tuesday I was walking out of the grocery store on Main Street and saw a guy waving from his car so I waved back with a big smile, but he was actually waving at the person behind me so I turned bright red and immediately caught my foot on the parking curb and almost ate pavement in front of like 12 people.

Just realized my friend was right about my terrible joke timing

At a party last Friday, I told a really long, complicated joke to a group of people. My friend Sam pulled me aside later and said, 'Dude, you started that story when the music stopped. Everyone was just standing there in silence for two whole minutes.' I felt my face get hot. Now, I keep my stories short at parties and watch the room's vibe first. Has anyone else gotten called out for bad social timing?

Vent: My neighbor told me a weird fact about our street name at a block party

At our neighborhood cookout in May, my neighbor Frank mentioned our street, Maple Drive, was almost called 'Skunk Hollow Road' back in the 1950s. He found the old town planning notes in the library's local history section. I had no idea and just stood there holding a paper plate, not knowing what to say. Has anyone else learned a totally random fact about where they live from an unexpected source?

My neighbor's new fence is a full foot over the property line and he won't hear it

He put it up himself last weekend, all proud of the quick job. I pulled out my own tape and the city plot map, showed him the iron pin marker. He just shrugged and said 'close enough' while his dog was barking at me from the wrong yard. Has anyone else had to deal with a neighbor who just will not accept they messed up a basic measurement?